Monday, May 28, 2007

Impasse Part I

I have a feeling this is going to be a long one and probably something I may not want to publish at the end. But if I do publish it, – well, if you’re reading this, it means I’ve published it, duh – you don’t have to go through with the whole thing. It’s just me, my life, my shit, some serious stuff that could bore you to death, etc, well you get the idea.

I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve been feeling like shit for the past few days, except for yesterday (mainly because I was working and laughing away with my colleagues to realize I feel like shit). You might ask, “What does shit feel like?”, “How does it feel to feel like shit?”, “Define shit.”, or whatever if you’re trying to be funny, but I only have one answer for you. Similes don’t necessarily make sense. There’s one ‘as stupid as a sloth’. Sloths are stupid? I thought they’re just plain lazy. But toads, and lobsters, and pigs are lazy though, simile wise. What’s so lazy about them? They certainly don’t look it. I know people usually go “You’re as lazy as a pig!” but in my humble opinion, they’re always busy eating, and making sure they’re dirty enough for the smelliest pig award. That’s nowhere close to lazy. Koalas could qualify though. And then there’s the ‘as fabulous as Aladdin’s lamp’ one. Whoever came up with that!? Can’t you draw better analogies? If you can say Aladdin’s lamp, I sure can say Doraemon. As fabulous as Doraemon. One word settles it all. And Doraemon doesn’t limit your wishes to only three. At this very moment you might be contemplating starting a debate with me on how the Aladdin’s lamp is supposedly fabulous or whatever, I say go ahead! I don’t mind reading comments and spewing nonsense at them, anything, as long as it doesn’t make me feel like shit. Oh yeah. That was the topic today. What was I thinking, straying off to similes?

So yeah, I feel like shit. The day when I was suddenly overwhelmed by the blues, I was sitting in front of the computer. Nothing that was there for me to do seemed right. So I thought perhaps if I go read a book or something, just get away from the PC, I might feel better. Pooh. That didn’t help alright. It just made me think. Books make you think. You open it and instead of reading the pages, you start to read your own mind. I started asking myself, “Why do I feel like shit?” as much as the answer would hurt, it was reality. My life, literally, has reached a standstill. It has completely stopped. In fact when I come to think of it, it’s been like that for years. It’s been like that since I entered university.

In everybody’s life, there comes a point when a decision must be made. A road must be taken. I got a taste of that when I was 17. Back when I was in upper secondary (16&17) I was usually somewhere at the top of the class. I even scored straight A1s for the public exam. Now before you say I’m puffing myself up, I have to say this is something rather the opposite. Me being able to say this here is implying that I’ve gone over that phase. The phase where you would rather stay quite about things you’ve achieved for fear of losing them. Yes, I’m quite superstitious when it comes to this. I’d tell my proud parents not to spread the news. I’m not good with praises anyway. By saying I’ve gone pass that phase doesn’t mean I’ve turned into a stiff-necked bitch or that I don’t believe in this idea anymore, I still do, but it’s just that I’m now ready to tell the world the what little achievements (and failures) I had in my pocket.

Having 9 A1s in your grip is nothing these days compared to back then. People are scoring 17 A1s now, goodness gracious! Which makes me doubt the whole of our present education system. I doubted the education system of my time too. There was no way I could’ve gotten straight As! It was just too bizarre. I don’t regard myself as an intelligent person, if you might ask. And I especially hated it when people come up to you and start telling you how smart you are, in a fake way. Well, it felt fake to me. I got that a lot. I’m not smart. Please don’t say I am.

Right, I was saying I reached a point in life where I had to make a decision. I was 17. I had to choose the road which I was about to take. My dad had this dream of me being a doctor but I hated it. I hated the fact that just because you’ve got the As you’ve got to be a doctor. People are going into medicine for all the wrong reasons! I fought back when he tried to persuade me to take up medicine. We later reached a compromise whereby I would take up pharmacy instead. Didn’t really liked the idea but I applied for a scholarship anyway, my first choice being pharmacy and my second being science (there were very limited choices) hoping that I could study astronomy or something. Passed the first stage, got to the interview stage, which was the last stage. I prayed everyday after that, that I would get my second choice. But I got my first. Everyone was happy for me, except me.

I’m not ashamed to tell you this; I cried myself to sleep every night until the night before the orientation. Everyday I would have talks with my dad and he would encourage me to take it up. It’s your golden opportunity, he would say. You’ll get to study overseas and it’ll all be paid for! The orientation day came, and I reluctantly went. All the way I tried to hold back my tears. It was a really difficult time for me. I could not accept my perception of how a large part of my life was going to be like. I went through the orientation up till evening when I told myself I couldn’t take it anymore. I called my dad up and told him I’m pulling out. He and my uncle rushed to me and a senior student advised me, telling me just how lucky I was to be there. My definition of lucky was not quite the same. That night I left that place, crying all the way back to my uncle’s place because I could feel everybody’s sorrow on my shoulders. I knew my dad was heartbroken. I’m really sorry you had to go through that, dad.

While we were stuck in the traffic jam, typical of cities, I called up my friend who was two years older. He already had a taste of uni life and clearly knew more about scholarships and what not, than I am. I had to call him because I needed to know if I went back home and continued with Form 6, would I still qualify for the scholarship after that. He said yes. He said that if I got straight As in Form 6, the world would be mine. I would be the king. He really said that, I’m not exaggerating. And what he said was what I delivered to my dad as a form of relief for him. I had to make sure that he didn’t have to worry for me. Letting him know that I can have chances like this again was to take the load off his mind and to buy myself time. I told myself that night. After I finish my 1 ½ years of Form 6, I will know which road is it that I want. I must know. That night was full of lies I told myself. That night, I felt emancipated. I felt all the heavy burdens I had to carry suddenly lifted. I tell you, if it wasn’t for gravity, I could be flying higher than anybody in the world. That night onwards, I was free. I was free for another 1 ½ years.

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