Saturday, July 21, 2007

Harry Potter is dead!

“…It seems Rowling, intent on being one step ahead of Christian Poterresque writers, sets Harry up to sacrifice his life--out of love for all the muggles, mudbloods and magic folks alike. He is then to be resurrected and will thus spoil Voldemort's afternoon tea.” – Philos, of the Chickenmafia gang

Joyfulchicken of Chickenmafia announced a decree two days ago. In the spirit of link love (as he puts it) you have to tell everyone that Harry Potter is dead, and the cause of his death.

“Harry Potter is dead! Dead dead dead dead dead! Oh, how tragic! Now cry, damn it, cry!” – Joyfulchicken, of the Chickenmafia gang.

So here goes:

After escaping from her cell, Dolores Umbridge, who felt betrayed by her beloved ministry, turned her disappointment for the ministry into love for Voldemort. In order to win the attention of the one-who-can-now-be-named, Dolores went all out to practice the spell Megatronus Primus, a hybridization of the forbidden transforming spell. After succeeding, she immediately transformed into Cho, Harry Potter’s love interest. We shall now refer to her as DoloCho. However, the spell also transformed Cho, turning her into Dolores. Unfortunately for her, the ministry thought she was Dolores Umbright and threw her into the fat lady’s jail cell.

“Harry! Shall we have lunch later?” DoloCho asked as she ran up to Harry.

“Why, sure,” Harry replied in a rather deep, evil voice. “Why, sure,” he said again, correcting his tone.

“Great, then, see ya baby,” DoloCho said as she pretended to be in delight, thinking that was what Cho would say. Of course she thinks everyone is a flirty bitch except herself, which we all know is not true. Well, at least we know she’s a bitch. I’m not so sure if she can ever be successful in flirting. Puke bag please!

The hair all over Harry’s body stood like Hogwarts’ school anthem was playing.

[Later at lunch]

DoloCho switched one of the chopsticks with a wand and placed it on Harry’s bento. She had prepared sushi for him ala Japanese style, although she is not Japanese. Dolores probably didn’t know that.

“Hie, Cho,” Harry called as he walked up casually to their table.

“Sit down, Harry,” DoloCho ordered him.

“Oh, my! Sushi! My favourite! And they all look so yummy! Aw…Cho…you shouldn’t have…not your native country’s food!” Harry gave her a chorus of flatteries. Harry probably didn’t know she wasn’t Japanese too. Or maybe he didn’t know what sushi is. But he did get one thing right, sushi is yummy. ‘Nuff said.

They both should have taken up Asian studies.

“Well, why don’t we start….,” DoloCho paused. Harry was already eating away. “Wow, you’re good with chopsticks, Harry,” she continued.

“Of course I am, my ex was Indian,” he replied, proudly. Indians use chopsticks? Seriously, do some Asian studies.

“Are you trying to test if I can use the chopsticks?” he asked.

DoloCho smiled.

As Harry reached for a Mayo Kani (Mayo crab), DoloCho interjected.

“Do you know what that’s called? It’s Deprimo*.”

Harry took it between the chopsticks and looking at it, he said, “Deprimo? It’s…” KABOOM! Before he could finish his sentence, he was thrown 10 feet into the air and then all the way down he came, landing with a loud thud. A deep hole penetrated his brain through his eyes. DoloCho looked down at him and his handsome face was no longer handsome. He now looked like DoloCho’s big crush. Yes, Voldemort.

With his index finger pointing at her, he said, “You…you…it’s Mayo Kani! Kani neh*!” His hand fell back and as he took his last breath, he said, “I am Voldermort, the one who must not…”

“Eikkkkkkkkkk!!!” DoloCho shrieked! She realized that she had killed her love. No, she had made him kill himself. Why, of all people, why would my beloved Voldemort be so stupid as to fall for my trick!? She thought, and hands over her head, screaming like a mad woman, she disappeared into the woods.

On the other end of the land, Harry was running about in circles, mumbling, trying to figure out a way to make him look himself again. As you know – if you don’t already know, stupid you – Voldermort also used the Megatronus Primus spell, and Harry had transformed to look like him. Unknown to him, DoloCho’s screams had brought about dark clouds across the sky and… ZAP!!! Lightning had struck Harry, and he dropped flat onto the barren field, with a lighting bolt-shaped scar over his forehead, still looking like Voldemort. Harry is dead.

Footnote: *Kanineh is a foul word in Hokkien. EDIT: And it also means "It's crab, isn't it?" in Japanese.

*Deprimo is a spell that causes an explosion to occur where the wand is directed at.


P.S: I want some sushi. For the record, I had the most sushi this year. And this year is not even over yet. Yay!

5 comments:

joyfulchicken said...

Hahaha! Lovely. I'd take a story like this over the real Harry Potter book any day.

CY said...

Yay!

runawaycat said...

Yay! I can sell books to chickens! I'm gonna be rich :P

Arthur Bhenedict said...

best wait til we conquer the world, as of yet, we're poor.

runawaycat said...

You're getting there :)