This will be just one of the reasons why I hate my life. It’s more like a momentary thing and I hope it’s not going to turn permanent like a stubborn ink on your million dollar wedding dress. It would kill you, I know. Warning: Don’t read it.
I skipped class today so I could sleep late and have time for myself. I did sleep late. I only woke up at noon when I set the alarm for 10 am which would give me six hours of idle time. But of course the six hours had been reduced to four when I woke up later than planned. Four is nothing if you look at your analog clock hanging on the wall. It’s just a small portion of the pie.
And then I had to take mom out to get some things done and by the time I got home, I took my lunch and now, I have only an hour left. And then I ask myself, “Am I very sure that I have nothing to do at all? No deadlines to meet? No emails waiting for replies? No tests I haven’t studied for?” Then I start to get uneasy. It happens whenever I have some free time. Oh by the way, we were told yesterday that this week’s test has been postponed. And I was like “Huh? We were supposed to have a test this week!?” I would go through my planner and I’ll find that there really isn’t anything for me to do. Then I would stand there staring into it and think, Did I forget to write in it? I always forget to write in it, by the way. Sometimes you’re too busy, you lose touch. You forget you have a planner.
So now, I think I have nothing to do, but I’m keeping myself busy by typing this shit. I have to keep myself busy because I’m so used to it. Now, I may give you the impression of a busy career woman rushing here and there carrying her big fat planner. If I did, then I must have exaggerated the situation coz I’m not. I do get idle times, just that I spend them wondering why I get them. It feels surreal. And I hate my life for that. It’s amazing how some people can tell you that you have time when you don’t. And they keep giving you tasks to do because they think you have the time. If there are some people I want to kill right now, it’s them.
I missed the days when I was 18, when I would return from school before two o’clock and just lie on the sofa, stare into the ceiling and finally fall asleep until five. A couple of years from now, my life is going to turn out just like my colleague. All I’ll do is wake up for work, go back home after that, do some house chores, go to bed and a new but similar cycle starts all over again. I’ll lose touch from the world and from myself. I wouldn’t know that there’s a sale going on and I wouldn’t know what movie is in the cinemas. I’ll only know my work. What an empty sad life. It’s happening already. I used to be the person who gets all her art displayed in primary school. Then when I reached high school, I slowly stopped doing artwork and then finally the creative juice stopped flowing. You could say I was like a walking zombie. I believe so. A human with no creativity is not a human at all.
(I now have 30 minutes before I have to get ready for squash, which I really don’t feel like doing, but I have to. Damn) I really hope I can escape this. I think this is the second or third time I’m writing this kind of yucky stuff. Just the other day I was about to write something like this then I held back. I could make my readers sulk at their life. But this one is not as bad, I think. However, if I still succeeded in putting you into a bad mood, which I doubt I can, don’t look at me. Told you not to read it.
Earth calling mars, earth calling mars.
I’m not even in mars. I’m nowhere.