It's random, no title! Ok, fine, it's about me, myself and I

Why do I have to crack my head for a title everytime? And I have to choose a freaking label for it at the end too.

I quit my job. Been wanting to quit and I finally did. Now I can have Wednesday and Thursday nights free. Oh dear what should I do with them? I’m starting to miss my colleagues too. And most importantly I’ll have to visit my ATM friend more often. My account is gonna burn. But I hope this is encouraging enough for me to start sourcing for money elsewhere. In fact there is another desperate reason for me to do that but let’s just let it be first.

On the last day of my job which was what, 3 days ago, I almost got into a road accident. I was on my way to class, going up the sloping road towards a corner when another car coming down the slope skidded. I don’t know how to describe it but imagine a car coming from the opposite side suddenly making a U-turn into your lane.

I didn’t see how it happened because I was looking at the lorry parked at the road side with long metal ‘sticks’ sticking out of it. They look like they’re gonna slip off anytime and who knows, pierce into my car when I pass next to it. Well anyway they didn’t but a car almost rammed into me alright. Thank god I turned back soon enough to see it and hit the brakes. But even if I didn’t it wouldn’t be much of a damage. I might lose a headlight or two, break the water tank, etc. It would be a pain in the ass though. But if I had left the house 2 seconds earlier (yea, melodramatic), I would be in the right position where he would have rammed right into me. And I mean, right into me, on the driver’s side. Or if he started his journey 2 seconds later he would still crash into me. Endless possibilities.

So what happened after that? He drove to the side to check his tyre and I drove off like nothing happened. Well nothing did happen. When I told people about it they showed horrifying expressions but I told them I felt nothing. I don’t know. I’ll probably be punished by God one day, if there’s one, for not appreciating life.

P.S. To you Americanized people, tyre is British okay. And sorry for causing you a headache. I know I can’t even connect sentences or ideas together. Forgive me for I have not written anything in a while. Oh shoosh! I should just stop making a fool of myself now.

Around the world

Here’s one of my perverted stories again. Ha ha. It’s not funny. Don’t laugh at me.

You know how shops usually display condoms, lubricants and what not right next to the cashier? In our place, there’s also the ‘ear digger’ (just let me call it that okay, whatever it should have been called).

Just in case you still don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s the long stick-like thing you use to clean your ear. To dig out the earwax is more appropriate. Some people call the action around the world coz it feels good (‘lian say kai’ in Hokkien) Okay nothing to do with your version of ‘around the world’ or why it’s with the condoms. Sheesh! Quiet! Dirty minds! This is a below 18 blog!

One day, a little girl came into the shop and pointed to the ear diggers and asked me what it is. They were placed right next to the red colored lubricant (don’t ask me the taste, I’m not interested) so I thought Ms. Little Girl wanted to eat that.

“That’s not food,” I said.

They’re red and they remind me of strawberry smoothie okay! I like food, so what?

She smiled in an all knowing way and later whispered to her mom and they both laughed. Damn don’t I look like a fool? How would I know you were asking about those ugly ear diggers and not strawberry smoothie? Kids. I don’t understand them.

The reason I dug out this old story was coz the other day I dropped my ear digger and the floor must have ate it coz I can’t freaking find it! My ear needs cleaning! Okay so I need to go around the world. It’s addictive. What do you know? You may not even have seen an ear digger before, let alone clean your ears. Sheesh!

One year older, no less a procrastinator

-Dreaming-

I dreamt that I was heading towards the doomed age. Someone was telling me that…no, someone was stating to me the fact that 22 will be the last of your best years and 23 means something like bad luck and 24 means you die. If you say 24 in Cantonese, it does mean you die easily. But 23 should mean born easily, no? Haha. But everything seems to make sense in the dream and I thought I was doomed. What a dream.

-Working-

I thought I’d have to work tomorrow. But not anymore! Yes! I’m never a big fan of working. Never!

It’s funny how some people never answer you when you ask them questions. Take my mom for example. I’d ask her something but she’ll not reply. So I’d ask her again and get a rude I-heard-you-already reply. I guess it’s always bad timing with my mom huh?

I thought the same was with my boss today. I text-ed him to say I can’t work tomorrow but got no reply. So for the whole afternoon I was wondering, do I still need to go to work? Of course, for someone who understands the language of not replying, i.e. my mom, it would mean I don’t have to go to work. But you can’t jump to that conclusion right?

Alas after waiting for something like 6 hours, I finally got a reply. I don’t have to go after all. You know, I don’t care how long he takes as long as he replied saying I don’t have to work tomorrow. Now I don’t. Yay!

Wonder where I should go though. Get myself a new pair of shoes which I have still YET to get? Treat myself to delicious fattening food? Walk around aimlessly? Someone give me some ideas? Please? Pretty please?

-Lazy spell-

Help.

-Gibberish-

I know. This is close to gibberish. Sorry, I’ll stop now.

P.S. The other blog isn't up yet. Procrastinating. Question: Do you prefer Blogspot or Wordpress?

Yikes!

People I meet often become subjects of spaceparade. I put them through various twisted tests before I throw them back to earth.

While working today (for 12 hours, mind you, I just have to say this coz my leg hurts) I met with 2 similar questions from 2 different people of um…very dissimilar characteristics.

Let’s start with the first encounter. A colleague which I’ve never met (don’t ask why I’ve never met my colleague, we just never, heh) came by to chat and half way through, the question of whether I have a boyfriend cropped up. Then it ultimately led to her asking me, “How about I introduce you to my son?”, twice, to which both times I answered with a smile.

That was a shocker. The question popped up just like pop corns in the microwave, you don’t know when it might pop. Geez, that’s a lot of pop in a sentence. Anyway, I don’t wanna know how her son looks like – he may be cute for all I know – and I don’t wanna know what he does or whatever else about him. I don’t care. Stop freaking my out by asking me that twice! Yuck! God! Uh, I’ll take it as a joke.

Now the second encounter. Another colleague brought her son with her and my, was he a talking machine! He came in and right away he says, “What’s your name? I’m __ and I’m 11 but I talk like I’m 50. Some people even liken me to an obasan.”

-_-"

Then he goes on about other stuffs which eleven year olds don’t talk about, like the prime minister’s use of languages (!), the number of homosexuals in his school and their classifications, tada tada tada, you get the idea. And of course he also threw me with loads of questions like, where do you live? How old is your mother? And all those questionings ultimately led to, again, do you have a boyfriend? Is anyone courting you right now? How bout we have a private conversation? (!!!) #_#”

Eleven year olds today! When I was eleven I was watching cartoon at home. Ok I don’t remember what I did when I was eleven. Do you remember your eleven? God, what did the world turn into? My 3 year old niece scoops out guys on the streets. *shakes head*

It just occurred to me that I’m double his age. And he’s got more girlfriends than I do boyfriends.

So about today? It’s more like I’m the one being subjected to twisted tests. My god. That’s all I can say.

Are you sure this week is not last week?

I was woken up this morning by an SMS from my boss asking why I didn’t turn up for work yesterday. I was fully alert then – because I slept earlier last night, surprise! – but I couldn’t remember anything about having to work. So I simply replied asking him, “I had work yesterday meh?” He then said he had already told me about it last week. I didn’t believe him and carried on with my day thinking he must have confused things up.

Then I went to work this evening and someone mentioned yesterday’s body fat test. Body-fat-test. Body fat test!!! I was supposed to work yesterday! Oh my fucking god! I wanted to play with the damned body fat machine. I was looking forward to it. What is wrong with me!?

The whole of last week I was telling myself, ‘You have to do blood glucose tests on Saturday and body fat tests on Monday.’ Multiply that by 100. I remembered Saturday but I totally forgot about Monday! Really, it felt as though they were supposed to happen one week ago. I couldn’t believe it was yesterday. Let’s quote a sentence from this Wikipedia page:

“Particularly affected areas may be memory…affected persons may be disoriented in time (not knowing what day of the week, day of the month, month, or even what year it is)…”

Oh no! I have dementia!

You know, the body fat machine can tell you your biological age. I don’t know what I might score from that or how it works (since I farking wasn’t there!) but I can tell you for sure, I’ll score 96 if it was a memory test. Or you know what? The machine might just go up in flames and I’ll make Guinness Book of Records.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a...

At work today, I accidentally kicked something that was on the floor. It was made of cardboard folded in a box-like shape except the ends were open and it had small holes through it, something like a window to a house. I didn’t read what was printed on it coz it looked like a product display which was probably unwanted and chucked onto the floor.

I picked it up meaning to throw it away already when I caught sight of something inside the so-called product display. It was dark brown in color, but looked almost black in the light-deprived interior of the box. And there was not only one of it. There were three, possibly four…COCKROACHES!!! Immediately I took a deep breath. Put it back! Put it back! Oh my god!!!

That thing was no product display! It was a roach trap! Damn! I lay it back down on the very spot I picked it up and looked around to check if anyone saw my stupid act. Phew. Had those little creepy roaches move, even just a tad, I would have created the next best work symphony. I would scream and my colleagues and the customers would too, thinking that I’ve met their deepest darkest fear.

I hate cockroaches. Ok fine, I’m afraid of them. I remember once, when I was small, I was rummaging through a box of toys when I was frightened by a cockroach in the box. I started hitting it repeatedly with whatever I was holding in my hand, screaming all the way, and only to realize that it was already dead. If it was not it won’t be sitting there comfortably for me to hit it. But I tried to convince myself that it was me who killed it and even told my mom how smart I was. Kids. I tried to cheat myself into believing that I’ve overcome my fear. Bull crap. Cow dung. I will always be afraid of cockroaches. They chase after you. They know your weakness. And when they spread their wings and fly, I tell you, you’ll wish you were never born into this world where cockroaches roam the lands.

Cinderella

I had to make a ‘house’ for the monitor today, to cover it up so others cannot see it (don’t ask me why). I took the largest box from the store room which had just the right size to fit a computer monitor. But I was too stupid to realize it wasn’t deep enough before cutting the box cover off (the part that folds to close the box, if you know what I mean) So, due to my near sightedness, I had to reconnect pieces of the cardboard box which I had cut off.

Work ends at 2pm today but since I was not done with the box yet, I thought I’d stay back and finish it. It was 80% done anyway, I might as well finish it before I go. But the thing is, there’s an auntie that works the same shift as me too, who for some reason has to go back on the dot. She can’t do a little extra and yet too paiseh* to leave alone. As I cut the cardboard sheets…

Auntie: It’s time to go back, leave the rest for K (another colleague).

Me: Never mind, you go first, I want to finish this.

Auntie: *facial expression changes a little* Let me help you stick it together. *grabs scotch tape before I could do anything*

Me: Uh…okay. *puts the pieces together*

She starts sticking the cardboard together with the tape in a rather hasty way. You know, if you don’t stick the tape properly, it’ll create creases, and I hate that! I absolutely hate that! And that was exactly what she was doing in her hastiness. At that point I was starting to get annoyed already. I know you want to go back, so go back! You don’t have to help me finish my work faster so you can go back! So stop rushing me!

There was one more piece for me to cut and stick together but she quickly took one that was left over from the one previously cut.

Auntie: Nah, use this.

I took it and tried to match them.

Me: No, it doesn’t fit. I’ll have to cut another one.

Auntie: *sounding persuasive* It won’t matter la. Just stick it together. It’s OK one. *grabs scotch tape again*

Me: *throws that cardboard away* Never mind, I want to cut another one. I want it to fit nicely.

I tried to say it as nice as possible, as if I wasn’t aware that she was rushing me and that I was getting angry. My annoyance level was reaching its peak and I was trying to not show it. I then took a new cardboard and started cutting it. She stood and watched. Peer pressure! As soon as I was done cutting the thick piece of cardboard, again she tried to grab the scotch tape. But I was faster! HAHAHA! No creases this time!

After sticking it together, a customer came so I left the box for a few seconds to see if my help was needed. K got everything handled so I went back to my box. Where’s my box!? It seems that the auntie had already taken the box and put it over the monitor, and she did it the wrong way round. No! No! No! That’s not how you do it! And I’m not done with the box yet! Worst of all, she had already kept the scissors and tape I used! *annoyance level peaked* How is she so fast?!

I smiled and said nicely that she was putting it the wrong way and I’m not done with it yet and quickly grabbed the box. I continued taping the edges and K came to help as the auntie looked on. As I put the final piece of tape in its place and took it to the monitor, the boss walked past, towards the toilet. Seeing that, the auntie quickly grabbed her bag, bid goodbye, and ran off.

Ahh…My box, all done! The boss came out, and I took my stuffs, ready to go.

Me: Bye everyone!

K: Bye!

Boss: Neko ar, you’re so bad la.

Me: Huh?

Boss: You made her go back late! *starts laughing*

You see, once, this auntie abandoned whatever she was doing just like that exactly on the dot when her shift was over. She just left everything on the table and ran off. So it was funny that she couldn’t go today because the boss was there and I didn’t want to go yet too.

Boss: Next week, we can all put up an act. You stay for an extra hour and I don’t go to the toilet, see what happens!

Oh no! It’s 2 pm! My carriage is turning into a pumpkin! We gotta go~~~!!!

Footnote: *paiseh: the only word I can think of is ‘shy’ which is not right in this context. ‘Paiseh’ here means something like ‘not nice to do something~’, in this sense, it is not nice to leave alone when your colleague who works the same shift as you hasn’t left. If you know the word for it, tell me!!!