Lately I’ve managed to find myself something to think about. As if my mind is not fully occupied with coursework and test already, I had to add in more things for it to process. But it’s more like a uh…yin and yang thing. You know? You need something to neutralize all that poison your coursework leaves behind in your brain.
So I found myself something to work on, as I was saying, and have been surfing the net for it. And I now find myself significantly insignificant. Can’t believe I just put those two words together. They almost look like mirror images. Ok I’m rambling.
All this surfing for the thing I’m working on, which happens to really interest me, has lead me to others like myself. They’re working on the same thing, far ahead of me, likes stuff Japanese, listens to J-pop, likes to make crafts, blogs (and with proper English) and one even studies in the same course as me! I had to double check she’s not from my school. If it were just for fun, I’d be happy that I found these people. It’s like finding a ‘gang’ that you belong to. An identity has been what I’ve been searching for (though I’m not sure if finding these people gives me a shit of an identity). But now that I’ve discovered people like me, it only makes me feel less me. Oh this is confusing isn’t it? Right now, I wish they didn’t exist.
They’re talented. They have wonderful ideas in their heads. They intimidate me. Will I be able to come up with more original, imaginative, ideas? The thought that there are so many other ‘me’ out there is overwhelming. Well, to find that some of them can’t write without major grammatical mistakes kinda gladdens me but there are those who can write amazingly well. And I’ve somehow lost the gist when it comes to writing. Gone are the times when I could write stories that I myself would love to read. Something I’d read over and over and still would not get sick of. And then I’ll just bask in the egoistic thought of my amazing talent. So full of myself, aren’t I? I know you’ve had those moments. Admit it.
Now I feel so behind. As if time did not wait for me to grow up. It left me behind. And I have a lot of catching up to do. There are so many things I wanna learn it’s not possible to complete them in the time that my patience will allow. Kiasuism is starting to affect me. And finally I’ve only generated more poison for my mind. How ironic.